Growing up, you probably experienced friendships that were full of highs and lows. One day, kids are inseparable, and the next, they say they’re never speaking to each other again!
As a parent, seeing your kids fighting with their friends may have you feeling sad, frustrated, and unsure of how to respond. But don’t panic — it’s all part of the process of learning and building social skills.
Conflict is a normal part of any relationship, and it can actually be an opportunity to grow. When kids experience conflict with their friends, they can learn how to express their feelings, listen to someone else’s perspective, and compromise.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy to watch kids struggle. You may be wondering what you should say to help them or whether you should step in and talk to the other child’s parents.
To help you out, we put together a conflict resolution guide for parents:
How can you help kids resolve conflict on their own?
If your child tells you about a fight they’re having with a friend, you may feel the urge to get involved immediately by calling their friend’s parent or sending an email to the principal. However, oftentimes the best steps you can take are to listen to their concerns, validate their feelings, and give them the tools to handle the situation on their own.
No matter how old your kids are or what they’re fighting about — whether it’s a favorite toy, friendship cliques, or asking a crush to the dance — they’re probably feeling a lot of big, complicated emotions. Help them take the time to understand how they feel and why.
Ask about the situation
Help empower their ability to problem-solve on their own by asking them what they’ve already tried that hasn’t worked. This helps you better understand the situation while also reminding them that they’re capable of finding solutions.
Teach "I" statements
Teach kids how to use “I” statements when talking to their friends about their feelings. For example, they can tell their friend, “I feel left out when you sit next to someone else at lunch,” instead of making a statement that places the blame on their friend, such as, “You like your other friends more than me!”
The second statement will probably have the other person feeling defensive, while the “I” statement focuses on empowering the speaker to express their feelings.
Encourage empathy
Help kids try to see things from the other person’s perspective and understand how their friend may be feeling. Encourage your kids to have empathy, listen to their friend’s side of the story, and share their own side in a kind, respectful way.
When should you step in?
As your kids grow, meet new people, and make new friends, they learn how to navigate their relationships with the people around them.
You may want to intervene and speak to another parent, especially if your child is upset, but allowing them to handle the situation on their own helps them develop their skills and become more independent. Small arguments are healthy opportunities for kids to practice problem-solving and conflict resolution.
The time to step in is when there’s bullying, abuse, risk of harm, or an ongoing or escalating situation with no end in sight. If you know the other child’s parent, you can reach out to them directly. Find a time to meet that’s good for both of you, keep an open mind, have empathy, and focus on the common goal of helping both kids.
If you can’t go to the other parent or speaking to them doesn’t work, you also have the option of going to a third party, such as a teacher or principal. They can help mediate and provide a neutral perspective.
What's the difference between conflict and bullying?
Conflicts are disagreements or arguments where both sides express their views. If someone unintentionally hurts someone else in a conflict, they will generally stop and try to change their behavior.
Bullying, on the other hand, is repetitive, intentional, unwanted, and aggressive behavior towards others with the intent to hurt, harm, or humiliate them.
Bullying also involves a power imbalance. The person bullying has more power, which can mean they’re older, bigger, or more popular. Power structures can change in different situations and over time.
If you think there’s bullying, step in and intervene in the situation. Unlike normal conflict, bullying requires clear boundaries and adult action.
For more on how to handle bullying situations, check out our blog post: 4 Steps You Can Take To Create A World Without Bullying.
What happens next?
Sometimes friends resolve their differences and make up. Other times, the friendship ends, and while your child may be sad, that’s normal, too. Friendships end for any number of reasons, such as moving to a different school, having different interests, or even just drifting apart. Not all friendships last forever, and that’s important for kids to learn as they grow.
Help your child see the difference between a friend who’s worth keeping and one who isn’t. If a friend consistently makes them feel unhappy, disrespected, or unsafe, it’s probably time to let that friendship go.
Whether the friendship continues or not, you can encourage your kids to reflect on the conflict, asking them questions about what worked or what they would do differently. Help them see that disagreements are opportunities to learn and practice new skills.
Fighting with friends isn’t easy, but with support and guidance, kids can learn to handle conflict in ways that strengthen their empathy, confidence, and friendships. These lessons will prepare kids for healthy relationships both now and in the future. Even though conflict is tough, working through it shows kids how to learn, grow, and move forward!
