Difficult, unexpected events can happen at any time. While we’d love to keep our youth from ever having to experience traumatic incidents, these situations are unfortunately outside of our control. The best we can do is provide kids and teens with the support they need.
Research from the Search Institute shows the single most common finding in overall youth well-being and resiliency is a stable and committed relationship with a parent, caregiver, or other adult.
Whether they’ve experienced school violence, the loss of a loved one, a natural disaster, or any other traumatic event, youth need help navigating their thoughts and feelings as they cope with this challenging situation. That’s why we’re sharing how you can help kids and teens process traumatic events around them:
Understand how kids may be feeling
Kids and teens will react differently to the traumatic event depending on their age, experiences, and level of development. If you understand how they may be feeling, you will be better equipped to support them during this difficult time.
Children are often left feeling sad, scared, or numb in the aftermath of an unexpected incident. They can experience feelings of uncertainty about continued danger, ongoing concern over their safety and the safety of others at school or in their family, and general fear that extends beyond the event.
Younger children’s feelings of helplessness and anxiety may result in a loss of previously acquired development skills. For instance, they may have trouble falling asleep on their own or separating from their parents at school, or they may lose some speech or toileting skills.
Teens and older children often feel self-conscious or embarrassed about their emotional reactions. They may hide their feelings and withdraw from family and friends due to their fear, vulnerability, and concern over being seen as “abnormal” or different from their peers.
It’s also common for youth to feel guilt or shame over what they did or did not do during a tragic event. Even though there’s nothing they could have done to prevent what happened, they may be feeling helpless and wishing they had done something to change the outcome.
Have a conversation with your kids
We sometimes feel like we can protect kids by avoiding difficult or sensitive topics; however, if we don’t have open discussions with young people, they may be forced to process these complex issues and emotions on their own, which can leave them feeling confused or scared.
Don’t assume your kids or teens will come to you to talk about the traumatic event. Instead, broach the subject yourself, addressing the incident directly. Show your kids you’re aware of what happened, you understand it may be on their mind, and you’re here to support them.
Start the conversation by asking direct questions such as “What do you know about what happened?” or “What have you seen about the incident on social media?” If youth don’t want to discuss the tragic event, that’s okay, too. Don’t force them to talk about it with you, but let them know you’re always there for them, and they can talk about it whenever they feel ready.
Show your kids and teens you are a trusted resource by being willing to have honest discussions. No answer will make everything okay after a traumatic incident, so don’t worry about having the perfect response. Just listen to what they have to say and answer their questions with simple, direct, honest responses.
Continue to check back regularly during the upcoming weeks and months to find out how kids and teens are coping with and processing the event.
Be empathetic to your kids' reactions and behaviors
Some parents may feel like they should tell kids to be strong or not to cry, especially if that’s how they were raised, but shutting down a child’s negative experience doesn’t help. Trauma has a lasting impact on kids, affecting their physical and mental health, especially when it goes unaddressed.
There is no one way to react to a challenging situation. Accommodate kids’ and teens’ different reactions whenever possible, and validate their feelings. Don’t tell them how they should feel or assume you already know. Ask them how they feel, and acknowledge their responses.
Try not to minimize their emotions with throwaway statements such as “You’re going to be fine,” which can shut down the conversation. Create a safe environment for youth by listening to them and letting them know you’ll always hear them out, no matter what.
Additionally, kids can sometimes have new or worsening behavioral problems after a traumatic incident, so it’s important to have patience with them and understand where they’re coming from. Sleep difficulties are also common after experiencing trauma, and this can lead to fatigue, difficulty concentrating, irritability, and poor participation.
Help youth by suggesting healthy habits and calming coping strategies. If you need to set limits due to behavioral problems, remain calm when doing so. You can also help create a sense of safety by returning to predictable routines as soon as possible.
Take care of yourself
Don’t forget that your emotions matter, too. A traumatic event may affect you just as it affects youth, so take the time to process your own feelings. Kids’ and teens’ reactions will be influenced by how parents, educators, and other caregivers respond, and they will look to you as a role model for how to handle this challenging situation.
Practice self-care strategies to make sure you’re feeling the best you can in the circumstances. Self-care means different things to different people, so try to think of ways you can feel more balanced and grounded, whether it’s by journaling, meditating, reading, spending time with a friend or loved one, or anything else.
Many people feel emotionally drained after a tragic incident, and good physical and emotional health can support you during this time. Do your best to drink water, eat a well-balanced diet, exercise, and get enough sleep. If you take care of yourself, it will be easier to take care of your children. Your well-being directly impacts your ability to provide effective assistance.
Get additional support if necessary
If your kids and teens are finding it difficult to function normally after a traumatic event, they may need additional support. Reach out to a medical health provider or counselor to ask about next steps. Here are some resources that may be helpful:
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: A national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support
- Mental Health America: The nation’s leading nonprofit dedicated to the promotion of mental health, well-being, and condition prevention
- Crisis Text Line: A nonprofit organization that provides free, 24/7, confidential text-based mental health support
- National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement: A nonprofit organization dedicated to helping schools support their students through crisis and loss
While we can’t always protect our kids and teens from the realities of traumatic events, we can be there to help them process their thoughts and feelings in the aftermath. By being supportive and building trusted, caring relationships, we help youth grow into healthy, resilient adults.
